Forgive Me
by Izobel
Summary: If given a choice, he would have done things differently, chosen differently, handled things differently. He would have faced up to his feelings and stayed at Seattle Grace instead of fleeing to Mercy West. [GeorgeIzzie]


**Forgive Me**

The streets of Seattle weren't the same anymore. The hustle as bustle of the evenings as people got ready to go home was dulled and despondent. The dim light on the backdrop of Seattle Grace Hospital reminded him of the days he spent as a young intern, those long sleepless nights and hour long surgeries you had to earn your way in on. The nights of being on-call and playing cards in the call-rooms with your best friend instead of scut duty. He sighed inwardly, sitting at a café table with a perfect view of the entrance. It would be so easy to just admit himself into SGH, and when they asked at Emergency what had happened to the young man of thirty-six lying on the stretcher as he's wheeled to intensive care, he could say he was dying from a broken heart.

He sighed as a few people left the main entrance, some hand in hand. That was him, once, just married to a gorgeous Calliope Torres, the dark beauty and wonderful accomplished surgeon. He loved her. He did. He really loved her. '_Keep telling yourself that O'Malley. One day you might believe it' _his mind played over and over. He was a broken record these days, living up to a life of regret and mistake.

If given a choice, he would have done things differently, _chosen _differently, and handled things differently. He would have faced up to his feelings and stayed at Seattle Grace instead of fleeing to Mercy West. If he'd stayed, if he'd not been such a coward and admitted how he felt about _her _he wouldn't be here now. Here in this dingy café-bar on the corner, staring up at his could-have-been life… his less than perfect life, but his life none the less.

Just waking up to _her_ smile every morning would have made things so much brighter. The rain wouldn't bother him, because she'd be there, standing with him braving the storm. Rounds every morning would be worthwhile, and he wouldn't have to fake the smile on his face as he said "Good morning Mrs Jones," or "How are you feeling Mr Dowry?" because he'd know it was a good morning, and he'd genuinely care how someone was feeling because he had a heart and he was in love.

Now he felt like a horrible bitter man with no prospects or compassion for anyone. He cursed himself for feeling so down. **He should have just told Isobel Stevens he loved her while he had the chance.** Maybe if he had, he wouldn't be sitting here drowning in his sorrows from the past. Sitting, waiting, _wishing_ he could see her again, and that maybe she'd see him too and he'd know this was real. This empty feeling that couldn't be filled with love from his wife… and not even by the love of his child was wasting away his days and he longed for the company of his best friend. He was a drowning man, and he needed her to save him.

Toby was born in his second year at Mercy West. Callie had wanted a baby for so long. When she'd first sprung him the news, cornering him in the X-ray rooms at Seattle Grace and told him of her undying, unfulfilled need to have a baby, he couldn't have been more terrified… or felt guiltier. It was only the week before they'd had a heart-wrenching fight which ended with him sharing a drunken night of regretted passion with his best friend.

"_This is our secret, okay?"_

"_Okay," _

They'd never muttered a word to anyone about it, or about the longing looks they'd shared in the clinic, the silent confrontations in the linen closets… not even the shameful but amazing encounter they'd had in the elevator, or when Izzie told him she was in love with him.

He wished more than anything he'd said something, told her how he felt. Told her he was desperately and completely in love with her too… but he'd stayed silent. He stayed with Callie when she told him she was pregnant. It would be wrong to leave his pregnant wife for someone else. He'd made vows… and he had to stand by them. The memory of Izzie's face when he told her the news burned into his mind. The way she said, "Congratulations," with the biggest smile spread across her divine lips scarred his thoughts with ones of deepest regret for not choosing her. She made her escape to the linen closet on the fourth floor, and he didn't see her again. His heart broke a little.

He couldn't keep seeing her. Seeing her in the halls, tending to her patients, performing surgeries along side the greatest, bumping into her and wishing he could just take her in his arms and never let go. But leaving her was yet another mistake. He remembered her cries pleading for him not to leave. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks as she sat on the floor of the locker room, watching him pack his life at Seattle Grace into a grey rucksack. He slammed his locker closed and looked down at the beautiful woman at his feet. Her eyes pleaded with his desperately. He took her arm and pulled her up off the floor, pulling her close to him in a passionate embrace.

"_I have to go. You understand?" _he whispered to her sorrowfully, fighting back the crowded emotion in his heart. She nodded into his shoulder.

"_I love you," _she whispered almost inaudibly. He could have said it then. Right there and then, but his mouth wouldn't work. His brain had stopped functioning. If he'd said it, it would have made it impossible to leave her. Impossible to go back to Callie.

What had she done to him? What had he become?

"_Goodbye Izzie," he whispered._

He looked out onto the street, across to Joe's bar where some young interns had just entered after a long thirty-six hour shift most likely. He didn't go there anymore. There was too much of a risk of seeing someone he once knew. Meredith… Christina… Derek… Olivia… _Izzie_. People he had so much history with. He hadn't spoken to them since his departure. He didn't want to have to explain _why _he left the most prestigious hospital in Seattle to one of lesser excellence. He couldn't tell them that the temptation of Isobel Stevens caused him to leave.

He slammed his hand down on the coffee table hard, biting his tongue to stop a yell of anguish escaping from his mouth. A few people turned to look. He ignored them, looking back over to the main doors of Seattle Grace.

His heart ached with misery as he looked at his watch. He'd have to leave soon, to go home to Callie and their son. Back home to fake the smiles, kisses and sex he shared with his wife. Fake the yawns as he said, "I'm going to bed," to avoid having to stay awake with her after a long day. In his mind, he knew Callie wasn't stupid and that she knew something had been wrong with him for many years. She knew he wasn't _truly_ happy in his life with her, yet she chose to ignore it. She had what she wanted. She'd had her baby and been awarded with being named Chief Resident, and he hadn't spoken to Isobel Stevens in three years.

Izzie was his best friend and he hadn't spoken to her in three years. It wasn't right, but he couldn't complain now. He made his choice all those years ago. Whether he regretted it was his problem, a single tear fell from his eye and slipped down his cold cheek, falling onto the polished wooden table he sat at. He wiped it away choking back a sob and staring up at the majestic doors once more. They opened, allowing a tall beautiful woman to pass through them.

His eyes opened a little more as he wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck. He watched her, her elegance and grace captured his every sense and emotion and replaced them into the hole in his heart. She walked gracefully, her blonde hair cascading beautifully over her shoulders. Even from where he was sitting, he could see that she was smiling. The one he'd once see every morning in the kitchen as she made muffins, or poured him some coffee. The one welcoming him home after a long shift, the one that reassured him she was there when his father had died, the one that made even the darkest nights seem beautiful again. He looked where it was directed, a man with short brown hair was walking toward her, hand in hand with a small child of about three dressed up to her heaviness in coats and warm clothes. He watched as she wrapped her arms tightly around the man, sharing a lingering kiss with him before bending down to greet her child.

He watched as she stood up, throwing her bag over her shoulder and looked up. _She'd seen him_. The man sitting alone in the café corner…watching her. If she didn't know better, she'd be afraid of the way the man was looking at her through his blue eyes she once knew. His heart stopped and he was filled with the most delicious feeling of happiness and warmth he'd felt in a long time. She smiled, raising her hand to greet him across the street. He moved his cold fingers, signalling a tired 'hello' before placing his hand back down onto the table. They stayed, paralysed in their alternate universe, with her at one end and him at the other. Neither was willing to stay, neither wanting to go.

The moment was short lived. "Come on," a teasing voice called from in front of her, causing her to break eye contact with the lonely man across the street. It was her significant other, looking back at her lingering behind. She looked back momentarily at the man she loves, her smile fading before following her husband and child into the night.

_She's gone._

His phone rings on the table in front of him, disturbing him from his thoughts. He sighs, picking it up.

"Hey," he says in a tired voice, but with as much glee as he can muster this late at night. His wife laughs heartily into the phone.

"Where are you? It's late and you missed watching Toby's favourite movie with us tonight," Callie says. He hears a child's laughter in the background followed by comical voices erupting from the television set. He smiles sadly as the life drains from his eyes and the pieces of his heart dissolve into his blood. Once more he whispers,

"Forgive me,"


End file.
